RULE #1: DON’T GET CAUGHT
The author is unknown because it is close to a State Secret. The opening paragraph indicates that these words are available for discovery to that very select group of people with access to the roof of the White House. The identity of the author is a mystery, but rumors abound: possibly one of the sons of former President Gerald Ford or, then again, maybe the celebrated daughter of LBJ. The mysterious message written by its equally mysterious author remains etched into the roof-facing side of paneling located near the Solarium. It is a reminder that the secrets of what goes on in the White House are not limited to the West Wing. It is not for public consumption on White House tours and among those in that select view who know of its existence is the Alex, the son America’s first female President. Remarkably, the story is not set in the distant future filled with interstellar travel and Martian colonies.
The most annoying thing of all is Alex knows Henry hates him too—he must, they’re naturally mutual antagonists—but he refuses to outright act like it. Alex is intimately aware politics involves a lot of making nice with people you loathe, but he wishes that once, just once, Henry would act like an actual human and not some polished little wind-up toy sold in a palace gift shop.
The advice crudely carved into the roof panel will, naturally, become exceptionally significant to the son of the President. Henry, mentioned above, is not just any Hank; he is Prince Henry. And, what’s more, Alex is the media’s constructed American alternative to lack of an official Prince. Considering that American politics is dominated by the sons (mostly now, but exclusively before) and sons of sons of politicians, the construction is not entirely inaccurate. Would George W. Bush have ever gotten anywhere near the White House if his father had not been President? The difference between American politics and the British Royal Family doesn’t really even require much construction; it is already there, with one exception. Alex could grow up to actually become a powerful figure in his government while the same is not true of Henry. Of course, that ascension will require one very important thing: not getting caught kissing or doing anything else with his counterpart from across the pond.
The next slide is titled: EXPLORING YOUR SEXUALITY: HEALTHY, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE WITH THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND? She apologizes for not having time to come up with better titles. Alex actively wishes for the sweet release of death.
Amazing, really. Quite extraordinary and, one suspects, not far from what might actually occur under these extraordinary circumstances. Alex has just confessed that he and the Prince of Wales have been “a thing” for seven months. Within an hour his mother—the President of the United States—has had cartons of Chinese take-out delivered and whipped up a PowerPoint presentation that outlines the various technical political landmines involved in this emotional hook-up. The following slide opens up the presentation into the arena of legality and corruption: has the First Son actually misappropriated taxpayer funds in order to pursue a booty call—that’s a quote—with the person who is second-in-line to the British throne. The husband of celebrated loony Zelda Fitzgerald said it best: the rich are different from you and me.
