“I tried to off myself.”
Conrad conceitedly answers Dr. Berger when he probes regarding the reason for his admission in a mental hospital for eight months. At this point in time, Conrad is still at the initial steps into his healing process psychologically. Just released from the institution where he did not really confront the root of his self-hatred that led to his suicide attempt, Conrad takes the first step. In the assertion he dismisses this act as trivial in the manner he utters it, which shows his evasion of the core issue around his mental health. He is trying to mentally escape and disregard it as a means of making it disappear but true healing comes full acceptance. Thus, this marks the beginning of his journey as he slowly gets in touch with his emotions and outside factors that manifested the instability in the first place.
“And do not be paralyzed. It is better to move than to be unable to move, because you fear loss so much: loss of order, loss of security, loss of predictability.”
The novel molded around the theme of self-discovery particularly through Conrad, this statement encompasses the different ways in which each character has handled the tragedy in the family. Conrad’s mother, Beth, is stuck and paralyzed; she refuses or rather unable to move on from the death of his son Buck. Consequently, this further accentuates Conrad’s guilt in that he survived but Buck did not and his mother also resents him for this. Through the narrative, Conrad takes this statement to heart while he works through his insecurities and self-loathing that led to his suicide attempt. By the end, he accepts the tragedies in the family and learns to lead a happier life.
“And being a father is more than trusting to luck.”
The most significant relationship in the story is the father-son relationship, between Conrad and his father Calvin. Calvin seems as the level-headed member in the household, in that he handled the death of his son and Conrad’s attempted suicide in a healthy manner. Though despite this he feels the most obligation and weight of the tragedies in the household since he has to cater everyone’s mental well-being. Calvin comes to realize the heavy task of each role and for him is being a father. He had previously held the notion that the task is quite straight forward until he lost a son and almost lost another. Thus, understands it will take much more vigor and action on his part to ensure the safety and well-being of his child.
“Then, are we going to live like this? With it always hanging over our heads?”
Beth is the only member of the family who seems to be incapable of dealing with the misfortunes in the family. She is still actively grieving the death of Buck and avoids moving on with her life. Rather than concentrate on nurturing the son who is left, she puts her energy in resenting everyone else. And when overwhelmed with Buck’s death and Conrad’s mental health, she wishes to escape it all through a vacation. Beth does not want to take the responsibility of letting go and only seek to distract herself in order to stay emotionally stagnant.
