“Oliver? What the hell kind of name is that? If you’re going to devote yourself to the guitar, you need to name it after a girl, not a guy.”
Sedaris is asked to name his guitar and decides it will be "Oliver", the name of his hamster. The teacher is confused by his response, saying that he should name it after a girl instead. This is just one of many examples in Sedaris' young life where his sexuality was not considered.
"No one else had been called, so why me? I ran down a list of recent crimes, looking for a conviction that might stick. Setting fire to a reportedly flameproof Halloween costume, stealing a set of barbecue tongs from an unguarded patio, altering the word hit on a list of rules posted on the gymnasium door; never did it occur to me that I might be innocent."
When Sedaris is called out of the classroom by the teacher he instantly assumes that he has done something wrong. In this passage, Sedaris panics and thinks about all the things he is guilty of, or his "recent crimes," which includes setting fire to a Halloween costume and stealing a set of barbecue tongs. This quote is a good example of Sedaris' humor in this collection, as he recounts his awkward teenage years. As he explains at the end of the passage, he wasn't actually being called out for anything he had done wrong, so his panic was unnecessary.
"The question of team preference was common in our part of North Carolina, and the answer supposedly spoke volumes about the kind of person you either were or hoped to become. I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didn't care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal taste, saying, “Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds.” You could turn up your nose at the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didn't like sports. When the subject came up, I found it best to ask which team my questioner preferred. Then I’d say, “Really? Me, too!”
In this passage, Sedaris comments on the importance of sports for teenage boys, telling us that people were judged heavily on which team they supported. Sedaris himself was not a fan of football but learned early that it is best to pretend that you are in order to fit in. This observation is one of many Sedaris makes about being a teenager in this collection, bringing a sense of relatability and humor for many readers.
