Autobiography of a Face is a 1994 memoir written by award-winning poet Lucy Grealy. It describes her childhood struggles with jaw cancer and the resulting disfigurement that she considers the true tragedy of her life. With the exception of the prologue, the memoir employs a linear narrative, detailing Grealy’s life from early childhood into adulthood.
The prologue begins several years after Grealy’s cancer treatment, with an account of an adolescent Grealy helping a local stable with a ‘pony party’ in a nearby suburb. As she works the party, we see how acutely aware Grealy is of the partygoers curious and disturbed gazes at her disfigured jaw, which she attempts to hide behind her long hair. Even from the brief anecdote, we can see clearly how ashamed Grealy is at her own disfigurement.
The memoir then moves back in time to Grealy’s early childhood and the accident that led to the discovery of her cancer. Fourth-grade Lucy sustains a minor injury while playing dodgeball in school. This injury leads her to the dentist who is the first to realize something more may be wrong. After a series of doctors visits and misdiagnoses, she is diagnosed with Ewings sarcoma, a deadly form of cancer. With only a 5% survival rate, Lucy begins the first in a series of surgeries and radiation therapies to try and save her life.
These surgeries, while successful in treating her cancer, involve removing part of her jaw, and leave her with a disfigured face. She is unable to go out in public without enduring the cruel taunts of other children and the stares of complete strangers. She undergoes plastic surgery to fix the disfigurement but it is largely unsuccessful. Lucy seems unaware of the danger she is in at first, but after two years of treatments and several unsuccessful plastic surgeries, she comes to terms with the full weight of her diagnoses. Along with this realization, she gains enough self-consciousness to realize that other people find her ugly. This truth dawns on her with a slow shock and she begins to avoid seeing her reflection in the mirror, going out in public, or doing anything that reminds her of her own disfigurement.
During this period, Lucy must also face the fallout from her diagnosis within her own family. In particular, Lucy’s mother struggles to deal with these events and handles them the only way she knows how. She pushes her daughter to remain strong and stoic. Although this seems like the best choice at the time, it disables Lucy from addressing her own emotions. She worries about disappointing her mother every time she cries or expresses her fear.
When she returns to school, Lucy must deal with the aftermath of her treatments. She is tormented for her appearance, so she withdraws from socializing, convincing herself that she doesn’t need anyone else. As she finishes school and enters adulthood, she admits to herself that she kept waiting for her life to start, believing that it couldn’t until her face was fixed.
She finishes high school and attend Sarah Lawrence college where she studies poetry. There, she begins to develop an identity again and develops strong, fulfilling friendships. However, she still finds herself missing the deep connection of a romantic relationship, believing herself too ugly to ever be loved that way.
As Grealy progresses into adulthood, she develops a stronger sense of identity, has a successful career as a writer and poet, and even has multiple romantic relationships. Despite this success, however, she remains deeply insecure. Obsessed with her face, Lucy believes that fixing her disfigurement will fix all of her other problems as well. She undergoes multiple dangerous, expensive, and largely unsuccessful surgeries in an attempt to do this. When they fail, we becomes depressed and withdraws from relationships.
By the memoirs end, Grealy is still insecure and struggling, but she seems to have found some peace with her own appearance and identity. She resolves to stop waiting to for physical beauty to make her lovable and important and instead become ‘acquainted’ with her own face, her own identity. In this small revelation, she begins to once again feel whole.
