Summary
In "To My Nine-Year-Old-Self," the speaker has a one-way dialogue with her childhood self. In the first stanza, she asks her younger self for forgiveness, and tells her not to look "so surprised, / perplexed, and eager to be gone" (Lines 1-2). The nine-year-old version of the speaker is described as a bit of a daredevil, preferring to run rather than walk, and to climb rather than run (Line 3). She doesn't want to be bothered with the dreary adult world. She is more inclined to balance on her hands or on the tightrope than to speak with her adult self (Line 3). Her favorite thing in the world to do is to "leap from a height" (Line 5).
In Stanza Two, the speaker expands on her earlier solicitation for forgiveness by claiming she has "spoiled this body [they] once shared" (Line 6). She points out her scars and careful way of moving so as to avoid a bad back or a bruised foot (Lines 7-8). In this same stanza, she asks her younger self if she remembers the way they would jump out of the ground floor window three minutes after waking on a summer morning (Lines 9-11).
In the following stanza, the speaker continues down memory lane. She mentions but does not explicitly specify a dream they had and compares its freshness to the white paper she would write on (Lines 12-13). All her attempts to focus on writing down this dream were diverted because "something else came up:" a baby vole, a bag of sherbet lemon candies, an ice-lolly factory, a wasp trap, and a den by a cesspit (Lines 14-15 and 17-18). It was quite a "summer of ambition" (Line 16).
In the fourth stanza, the speaker comes back from memory to reality. She says she would like to say that she and her younger self could be friends, but the truth is they have "nothing in common / beyond a few shared years" (Lines 19-20). The speaker knows her younger self wants to return to her activities, consistent with her "eagerness to be gone" in the first stanza. It is time for the child to "pick rosehips for tuppence a pound...hide down scared lanes / from men in cars after girl children" (Lines 22-24). The list continues into the next stanza as the speaker describes her younger self lunging out over the water on a rope swing (Lines 25-26). The adult lets slip to the child that the rope swing and tree are "long buried in housing" but stops short of a full explanation, not wanting to cloud the child's morning (Lines 27-28). The speaker has enough fears for the both of them.
In the last stanza, the speaker takes her leave from her nine-year-old self, who is in an "ecstasy of concentration" as she slowly peels a scab from her knee and tastes it (Lines 30-32). The poem ends with this image.
Analysis
"To My Nine Year Old Self" is written in six free-verse stanzas without following a regular rhyme scheme or meter. The title outlines the occasion, in which the adult speaker addresses her nine-year-old self in a dramatic monologue. Even if the setting is metaphorical and takes place within memory, the poet still evokes the child as her own being in the poem. The speaker's nine-year-old self is separate physically as well as in temperament, as evidenced throughout the poem.
In the first line of the poem, the speaker says, "You must forgive me." This could be an everyday polite solicitation, or it could be taken as a demand. Children tend to take things literally, meaning that a double meaning might be lost on them. The speaker then goes on to admonish her younger self for looking "surprised, / perplexed, and eager to be gone" (Lines 1-2). That she looks this way demonstrates that the speaker, as an adult, is intruding upon her world and is not entirely welcome. The use of the word "perplexed" also indicates that the speaker had a fairly advanced vocabulary as a child. Despite this, she has no time for dreary adult chatter; she prefers to be off doing something physically rambunctious. The speaker knows that her younger self would "rather run than walk, rather climb than run, / rather leap from a height than anything" (Lines 4-5). This is a child who moves through the world in a fearless and joyful way. To love to "leap from a height [more] than anything" symbolizes the ability to throw oneself enthusiastically into the unknown. The use of anaphora and intensifying descriptions creates a rhythm that builds in tension until it releases with the image of a young girl leaping from any height.
In the second stanza, the speaker claims to have "spoiled this body [they] once shared" (Line 6). This is the reason for her asking forgiveness in the preceding stanza. It is clear that she, as an adult, has not forgiven herself. The word "spoiled" suggests her body is ruined without hope of returning to the way she once was. The physical agility of the girl outlined in the first stanza is contrasted with her future self. Age has led her to have scars and to move carefully so as to avoid a bad back or a bruised foot. She cannot go back, and she is scared to step forward.
In this same stanza, the speaker recalls memories of jumping straight out of the ground floor window three minutes after waking on a summer morning (Lines 9-11). Summer is a time of lushness, freedom, and the prime of life. For kids on summer break, it is also the time for exploration and adventure, free from the confines of classrooms and lesson plans. As a nine-year-old, this speaker rushed out of sleep to relish this freedom.
Despite bounding out into the world immediately upon waking, the speaker has no doubt that the "dream [they] had" is "as fresh in [the girl's] mind / as the white paper to write it on" (Lines 12-13). The fact that it is specified as "that" and not "a" dream, and that the speaker immediately mentions the white paper to write on, makes this dream specific to writing. Even as a nine-year-old, this speaker was a writer (when her focus did not turn to other equally pressing matters). She always "made a start, but something else came up— / a baby vole, a bag of sherbet lemons" (Lines 14-15). Animals and candy are not the only things that engross her. This was a "summer of ambition" in which she "created an ice-lolly factory, a wasp trap, / and a den by a cesspit (Lines 16-18). These particular activities identify the speaker's nine-year-old self as a child who is either unaware of or does not care about the dangers of the word (the sting of wasps and the hazards of a cesspit).
Cesspits are places for the disposal of liquid waste and sewage. For a child to build a den (a hideout free from the control of adults) beside a cesspit is an example of dramatic irony because she does not know the potential long-term health impacts of exposure to sewage. This line is a nod to Dunmore's environmental concerns that color the collection this poem was published in, as well as other works of hers. The setting of "To My Nine Year Old Self" is not specified, but what is important is that the speaker's younger self is free to explore over a wide range that contains both nature and human industry. A "den" is also the home that a wild animal builds, further underscoring the environmental concern. Another irony inherent in this line is that the consequences of human industry are capable of harming either a wild animal or a human girl. They will not be distinguished. What humans have created may turn around to harm humankind itself.
In the fourth stanza, the speaker would "like to say [they] could be friends / but the truth is [they] have nothing in common / beyond a few shared years" (Lines 19-21). The switch from past tense to present demonstrates a slap of reality. The line "I won't keep you then" echoes the earlier slightly formal tone the speaker takes on as she solicits forgiveness in the first stanza (Line 21). As in the beginning, the speaker is aware that her younger self resists listening to her. It is "time to pick rosehips for tuppence a pound, / time to hide down scared lanes / from men in cars after girl-children..." (Lines 22-24). The repetition of the "t" and "p" sounds creates a consonance that contributes to a singsong rhythm in the line "time to pick rosehips for tuppence a pound." That this line is immediately followed by the description of male predators shows the way that this danger disturbs the girl's (and indeed, any girl's) childhood.
The poet uses the phrase "scared lanes," which is an example of a transferred epithet. The adjective presumably describes the girl's feelings, but it has been made clear throughout the poem that she loves to take risks. Even if she had been warned about predators, the reader could assume she would see the running and hiding as more of a game than an actual threat to her wellbeing. Particularly because the nine-year-old girl shows no sign of listening to the fears of her adult self, it could be that the environment subtly reflects the fears that others (including the girl's older self) have for her, meaning that this line is also an example of personification.
The speaker continues the list of her younger self's activities: it is time to "lunge out over the water / on the rope that swings from that tree" (Lines 25-26). The word "lunge" aligns with the earlier use of the word "leap;" these characterize the girl's fearlessness. Though the comma at the end of the fourth stanza negates enjambment, it is the first stanza transition that continues the same sentence. This leads the reader's eyes directly from the description of the male predators to the rope swing. Further, the two descriptions are separated only by the word "or," rather than the repetition of "time to" that separates the preceding descriptions. This somewhat equalizes the speaker's fears about the risks of men in cars after girl-children and lunging out over the water. There is no poetic device used to distinguish the levels of danger.
The tree from which the rope swings is "long buried in housing," showing the way that the speaker's childhood environment has since changed (Line 27). This signifies in the poem the departure from girlhood. This detail would be quite a shock for a child to learn, and the speaker breaks off, signified by a dash. She does not wish to cloud her younger self's morning with more bad news about what the future holds (Line 28). Her fears contrast with the summer morning her childhood self leaps into. As an adult, the speaker has "enough fears for [them] both" (Line 29). Breaking off with another dash, the speaker begins her final departure.
In the last stanza, the speaker leaves her nine-year-old self in an "ecstasy of concentration / slowly peeling a ripe scab from [her] knee / to taste it on [her] tongue" (Lines 30-32). None of the adult's fears have reached the child, and the speaker is ready to depart from this imagined conversation. Peeling scabs often leaves scars, but the child's scars are a means to be ecstatically present in the world. This is very much unlike the scars the speaker points out earlier in the poem. The speaker leaves her younger self to savor every minute of being in the world. All of the fears and pains and disappointments of life will come later.
