“Inexplicable as it seemed to me now, the conviction that she had never really cared for me had been the bitterest of the pills I had to swallow”.
It would be easy for Leo to continue living in illusions, for they were so sweet and so beautiful that it was next to impossible for him to say goodbye to them. However, it needed to be done, so that he could move on. “Inexplicable as it seemed” to him, “the conviction that she had never really cared” for him “had been the bitterest of the pills” he had to swallow. Leo needed to accept the fact that Marian didn’t see him as her close friend, there was no love, that she simply used him. It was so difficult for him because he was ashamed of himself. It was him who had been a fool, it was him who gave Marian a permission to use him. What was more, Leo blamed himself for Ted’s death. He took that bitter pill and he took the responsibility for his actions, he stopped hiding from the truth. That was painful but liberating experience.
“I had come to blame the visit for everything, even for my vice of taking myself too seriously.”
For many years, Leo had been avoiding his past. It was too traumatic, too difficult to comprehend. He found the salvation in the idea of him being a victim. Leo had come to “blame the visit for everything”, even for his “vice” of taking himself “too seriously.” Later on, he would learn that he was neither guilty nor blameless. He played his part in that tragedy, but he wasn’t the one to blame. Leo learned his lesson: “once a go-between, never a go-between,” for meddling in “other people’s business” could lead to fatal consequences.
“My memory for the past is still quite clear.”
They said that an ability to forget was a special gift given to us - mortals - so that we could get away from the voice of the conscience in old age. Lady Trimingham could agree with that statement, for unlike Leo, who had lost his memory “at the beginning”, hers was “still quite clear.” That meant that she still remembered Ted and his terrible death. She could have convinced herself that she was absolutely blameless, but she couldn’t ignore the voice of reason and people around her. It would be easier to forget than continue tormenting herself or - what would be even worse - lying to herself, but she couldn’t.
