Chip Lambert
Chip Lambert is the protagonist, a 39-year old man living in New York who is bitter about his life. He considers himself an intellectual, and this comes out in his pretentious, didactic dialogue. His wardrobe consists of mainly leather, he wears an “old quarter-inch rivet” (18) as an earring, and he has a minor obsession with sex. “Chip was a tall, gym-built man with crow’s-feet and sparse butter-yellow hair. (15) After being fired from a teaching job at a University due to an affair with an undergrad, he tries his hand in writing. While attempting to finish and sell a screenplay, he does unpaid work for the Warren Street Journal (which his mother mistakes for the Wall Street Journal), and is a full time legal proofreader.
Enid Lambert
Enid Lambert is Chip’s mother, who is a hoarder and has a damaged hip. She comes across as fairly obtuse, and often says tactless things to her son and husband. Her obsession with material objects manifests itself not just in her hoarding, but in her constant badgering about a very wealthy acquaintance.
Alfred Lambert
Alfred Lambert, Chip’s father, is described as still being an “imposing figure” (16) despite his age. He is tall and muscular with thick, white hair. After presumably being diagnosed with parkinson’s, he is uncoordinated and now takes medicine which give him the side effect of occasional hallucinations. At home, he spends his days napping, watching the local news, and attempting to do some sorts of banking and taxes at home in his basement.
Julia Vrais
Julia Vrais is Chip’s girlfriend (despite her marriage to the deputy prime minister of Lithuania) and a receptionist for the film producer Eden Procuro. She has long, dark brown hair, and a fairly meek personality. She does not approve of Chip’s obsession with sex, and especially how it comes across in his screenplay.
Melissa Pacquette
Melissa was a very bright undergraduate student of Chip’s, who had a short-lived affair with him. She is a “regal, theatrical person” (36) who didn’t get along very well with other students due to her know-it-all attitude. She had straight, cherry-colored hair, and a penchant for dressing in thrift store men’s clothing.
Denise
Denise is Chip’s sister, who is a beautiful and pragmatic chef at a restaurant in Philadelphia. She bailed him out after being fired from his job as a professor by lending him money, but now refuses to help him any longer.
Gitanus
Gitanus Misevicius is Julia’s husband, and a politician in Lithuania. He looks very similar to Chip, except with crooked teeth and bad posture. In an attempt to rebuild Lithuania after its economic collapse, he attempts to work with some American businessmen for short-term and questionably-legal solutions.
Gary Lambert
Gary Lambert is Chip’s brother, and something of a ‘momma’s boy.’ He constantly struggles between siding with his mother Enid or his wife Caroline and their three kids, Jonah, Aaron, and Caleb. Despite being very successful financially, he suffers from depression and occasional hallucinations.
