"Heavenly Father, perform a miracle and give me an education -- I can do the rest myself with make-up."
Doris engages in a series of unsuccessful love affairs. She's a lonely, lost soul looking for love in all the wrong places. In her mind, she's completely desirable but just doesn't possess the economic advantage of other girls. She prays often, asking God for many, many things which she can't do for herself. Really, though, she possesses a great deal of confidence in her ability to woo a husband.
"But I say: 'Tilli, sometimes women are too sensual and want only that one thing.' And there's no difference. Because sometimes I only want to wake up with someone in the morning, all messed up from kissing and half dead and without any energy to think, but wonderfully tired and rested at the same time."
Doris has seen enough of life to know that sex isn't the only experience that matters. Really what she wants is to be known and accepted by somebody. She doesn't want to feel lonely anymore. This is reflected in her desire to wake up, all mussed and sleepy, next to somebody sweet. It's about companionship more than romance for her.
"I so want to give him my notebook -- I want to be a real person -- he should read my book -- I work for him, I cook for him, I'm Doris -- Doris isn't just some piece of dirt. I don't want to be innocent, I want to be the real Doris here and not that silly civilized product of the Green Moss's imagination."
When her love life finally takes off for the better, Doris still feels lonely. If he loves her because he sees only a version of her, then she's no better off than she was single. Her journal represents her true self, raw self-expression, and she wants to share that. She's willing to risk complete rejection in the hopes that he just might love the person he meets when he's seen who she truly is.
"And they would laugh at me. The dress was all sticking out around me and it was dark green with a pattern of animals with long tongues on it -- and all the kids were laughing at me. And now I'm wearing a fur coat, and I'm in Berlin! And I would throw rocks at them and swear to myself that I would not be the kind that is laughed at, but that I would do the laughing."
Years later, Doris is in a much better position than when she was scorned by the kids back home. She's better off financially with many opportunities in sight, but she's lonely and looking to be loved but just doesn't yet love herself. Through all this time her motivation has been that moment with the kids throwing rocks at her. Her greatest fear is rejection and devaluation. She needs to be valued.
