"There are people out there who get annoyed at the story that Djuna Barnes, rather than identify as a lesbian, preferred to say that she “just loved Thelma.” Gertrude Stein reputedly made similar claims, albeit not in those exact terms, about Alice. I get why it’s politically maddening, but I’ve also always thought it a little romantic—the romance of letting an individual experience of desire take precedence over a categorical one."
Nelson opens her book by introducing one of its central themes: that of the labeling of sexuality. She does not pick any sort of side in this quotation, but rather acknowledges the current discourse surrounding the labeling of queer sexualities. She mentions how the refusal to identify a certain way among queer people in popular culture can be "politically maddening," but she also admits that she has "always thought it a little romantic." Individual experience and categorical definition clash here, but are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
“When you are a stepparent, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter how much love you have to give, no matter how mature or wise or successful or smart or responsible you are, you are structurally vulnerable to being hated or resented, and there is precious little you can do about it, save endure, and commit to planting seeds of sanity and good spirit in the face of whatever shitstorms may come your way."
Nelson addresses another central theme of her book here with regard to stepparenting. She admits how difficult it is to succeed as a stepparent in a society that seeks to blame you for things out of your control. She also acknowledges how a stepparent must "endure" and push forward, never ceasing to try to connect and form a meaningful connection with a stepchild.
“But whatever sameness I’ve noted in my relationships with women is not the sameness of Woman, and certainly not the sameness of parts. Rather, it is the shared, crushing understanding of what it means to live in a patriarchy."
Nelson discusses sexuality quite openly in her book, a fact that is made evident in this quote where she addresses her past experience in romantic relationships with women. She also brings up another key theme of the book, which is the gendered dynamics of "what it means to live in a patriarchy." To Nelson, gender and sexuality are fluid, but the structures under which these concepts operate on a day-to-day basis are somewhat stable. To combat this static system, fluidity and flexibility are needed, but so is shared understanding.
“How does one get across the fact that the best way to find out how people feel about their gender or their sexuality—or anything else, really—is to listen to what they tell you, and to try to treat them accordingly, with shellacking over their version of reality with yours?”
Nelson emphasizes the respect and humility needed to operate respectfully with queer people, especially regarding vocabulary. The essence of Nelson's argument is to take an individual and simple approach: listen openly and honestly without an agenda.
