"Maybe it was that Cyrus had done the wrong drugs in the right order, or the right drugs in the wrong order, but when God finally spoke back to him after twenty-seven years of silence, what Cyrus wanted more than anything else was a do-over."
The quotation highlights a critical moment of disillusionment with faith and divine intervention. Cyrus, a character laden with existential dread, perceives his long-awaited communication with God as significant only to be met with dissatisfaction. The plea for a "do-over" emphasizes his internal conflict from yearning for clarity yet being trapped in the chaotic aftermath of drugs and hopelessness. His desire for a "clean slate" implies the complexity of spiritual yearning within the context of a life marred by addiction and existential confusion. The comparison with Biblical figures like Muhammad or Saul illustrates his frustration over his faith journey. Divine revelations come to others with certainty but leave them with ambiguity and skepticism.
"Do you have this organ here? A doom organ that just pulses all the time? Pulses dread, every day, obstinately? Like it thinks there’s a panther behind the curtain ready to maul you, but there’s no panther and it turns out there’s no curtain either?"
This powerful statement of a "doom organ" captures the perpetual sense of anxiety and dread that Cyrus experiences. It likens this dread to an imagined physical entity within his body that throbs incessantly. The reference to a panther behind a curtain reveals the deep-rooted paranoia and fear that plague him, despite the absence of any real danger. This organ becomes a symbol of the mental anguish he endures further intensifying the psychological co-morbidities that Akbar's characters struggle with. The inability of recovery to quell this ever-present dread emphasizes the ongoing nature of his suffering, which casts a shadow over the notion of healing.
"If the mortal sin of the suicide is greed, to hoard stillness and calm for yourself while dispersing your riotous internal pain among all those who survive you, then the mortal sin of the martyr must be pride, the vanity, the hubris to believe not only that your death could mean more than your living, but that your death could mean more than death itself."
This profound reflection on martyrdom versus suicide challenges the romanticized views of both acts. The quote presents a philosophical juxtaposition: Suicide is an act of selfishness where the individual seeks solace at the expense of those left behind, while martyrdom is depicted as an act of immense pride. Akbar criticizes the martyr’s belief that their death can transcend the ordinary meaning of death toward elevating it to something of higher purpose. This draws attention to the problematic idea that death is more valuable than life. Thus, the theme runs deeply in the discussions surrounding secular martyrdom and the ways people choose to die for a cause.
