"In writing you work toward a result you won't see for years, and can't be sure you'll ever see. It takes stamina and self-mastery and faith. It demands those things of you, then gives them back with a little extra, a surprise to keep you coming. It toughens you and clears your head. I could feel it happening. I was saving my life with every word I wrote, and I knew it."
Wolff writes this memoir as a way to take back his past. Having lived with many regrets from his time in the service, Wolff writes in order to correct the record of his self-perception, publicly. He finds catharsis and rejuvenation in the act of admitting his shortcomings in the past as well as writing about the horrors of war.
"In the very act of writing I felt pleased with what I did."
Wolff writes at length in meta-narrative of his writing process. The writing of his memoir is a deeply restorative process for him because Wolff has left these stories pitted in the depths of his mind for so long that he had all but forgotten he could separate his ego from the memories. In writing, Wolff finds healing and regains control of his own narrative.
"Lose Faith. Pray anyway. Persist. We are made to persist, to complete the whole tour. That's how we find out who we are."
Wolff remembers how broken and bitter he was as a person during his younger years, especially during the war. He felt his own brokenness and selfishness so acutely that Wolff was continually tempted to abandon his very life. In retrospect, however, he speaks of hope and persistence because Wolff is not the same man who served in Vietnam, having changed dramatically and reclaimed his broken past as a testament to the triumph of will and persistence.
"My failure of nerve took another form. I wanted out, but I lacked the courage to confess my incompetence as the price of getting out. I was ready to be killed, even, perhaps, get others killed, to avoid that humiliation."
Wolff views his younger self harshly. He remembers knowing secretly that he wasn't prepared to kill people and to sacrifice himself for his fellows soldiers, but Wolff refused to admit that to anyone, especially not his commanding officers. He continued the ruse of competence and bravery, all the while learning to hate himself for his own perception of fear.
