Risk Assessment of Wooden Chairs Anonymous

Perhaps my greatest accomplishment thus far is managing to survive kindergarten. I was definitely a weird child; not weird in the sits-in-a-corner-eating-paste sense, but certainly strange and, at times, overly cautious. During circle time, I made my own circle away from the group. During story time, I wove tales that highlighted my irrational fear of escalators. I also had the ability to get myself into unusually bizarre, compromising situations.

One fateful February day at the Somerset Hills Montessori School, my head became lodged in an antique wooden chair. At the time, my eccentric best friend Amanda and I enjoyed playing a game called "Paper Towel Roll;" the game consisted of us sliding our bodies through the rungs on the back of a chair. We played this game for months before "The Incident."

It was not an ordinary day-it was Fire Awareness Day. Shortly after a local fireman taught us how to "Stop, Drop, and Roll," Amanda and I resumed our favorite game. After Amanda got through a few times, I took my turn. I got through the chair not once, not twice, but three times. Obviously, I thought, the fourth time would be a breeze. I was wrong. My body froze; there was no escape. My head was lodged...