Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life (published in 1989), a book by Roald Dahl, consists of seven stories, and a preface which explains that Roald Dahl wrote all these stories after befriending a man named Claud in the late 1940s while living in England.
The first story titled Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life, starts with Dahl getting ready to take his cow to breed with a bull on a cool September morning. He phones his friend Claud for help in taking his cow down the steep hill to Rummin’s farm. After five minutes, Claud arrives and they both set off for Rummin’s farm.
On their way, Claud asks Dahl if he has ever seen the mating system on the farm to which our narrator says no. Upon further discussion, Dahl comes to know that Rummin’s way of mating a cow and a bull is unorthodox and will make him famous. But he doesn’t care for fame so not many people know about his technique which has the potential to change the science of dairy farming.
According to Claud, Rummin only cares about his dairy herd being the best for miles around. Dahl becomes curious and asks Claud about the secret way of mating, Claud doesn’t answer him and they both walk on silently. After a while, Claud expresses his surprise that Rummin is lending Dahl his bull because this is uncharacteristic of him.
Upon reaching the farm, the narrator notices no gate at the farm entrance. They spot Rummins carrying a pale of milk across the yard. He puts it down gently and comes over to meet the two men. He then proceeds to examine the cow carefully. Dahl admits that he has grown to respect the man because of his wit and intelligence despite his not-so-good looks.
After Rummins is done examining the cow, he asks the narrator if he would like a bull or a cow as the offspring. He is surprised that he can choose. He says he wants a female calf. Rummins calls his son, Bert to help with holding the cow steady. Bert obliges to his father’s command.
Rummins then orders Bert to face the cow towards the sun. With the help of Claud and Bert, the narrator faces the cow towards the sun hidden behind the clouds. Rummins orders them to hold the cow steady so she doesn’t jump around. Rummins then goes over to the shed and brings out his bull which Dahl describes as an “enormous beast” with a body like a “ten-ton truck”. The bull comes forward and Claud instructs his friend to stand back which he does gladly. The mating began and after thirty seconds it was over.
Rummins takes great pride in saying how his bull knows exactly what to do and with extreme precision, like threading a needle. Then he takes his bull back to his shed. When he returns Dahl asks him if he is sure that he will get a female calf as the offspring to which Rummins answers with a bit of arrogance that it is facts so the narrator will get a female calf indeed.
Dahl asks if he can get a bull calf by facing the cow away from the sun during mating. Rummins assures it to be true. The speaker presents doubt in this theory so he takes him into the farmhouse and shows him the ledger where all the details of cows and bulls mating are recorded in four columns on each page. The author looks at the column where the sex of the calf is written and becomes astonished that most of them were heifers.
Rummins explains that he runs a dairy farm so he needs mostly female calves. Dahl points out one entry where it was a bull calf and Rummins shows him that the entry also said that the cow jumped around and finished away from the sun which is why it was a bull calf. Dahl takes his time to look through all the entries.
Rummins goes to do his work on the farm while leaving him inside the farmhouse. After Dahl is satisfied with his inspections of the records, he comes out and looks for Rummins. He notices Claud is gone so he assumes Claud must have taken his cow home. He finds Rummins pouring milk into the separator and asks him why he hasn’t told this to anybody as it can change the whole milk industry. Rummins replies it might even change the beef industry too as they can get bulls every time but he has no interest in telling this to anybody as it's nobody’s business. Dahl asks where he learned this technique. Rummins says when he was about eighteen his dad told him.
Dahl, amazed, asks for a logical explanation for this groundbreaking technique and Rummins says it is the bull that decides which sex the offspring will be. He tells Dahl that when the sperm is inside, they race each other to impregnate the cow’s egg. In that race, if a female sperm wins, one gets a heifer. Dahl asks what role the Sun plays in all of this. Rummin tells him to listen carefully and reveals when an animal is standing on all fours and made to face the sun, the sperm need to travel directly toward the sun to reach the egg and if you face the cow the other way then the sperm has to travel away from the sun. Dahl cleverly deciphers that the sun must have some sort of pull on the female sperm so it can swim faster and get to the egg before the male sperm.
Rummin clarifies that the sun drags the female sperm towards it so if one faces the cow the other way then the sun is pulling the female sperm backward so the male sperm wins the race. Dahl doubts this theory that the sun which is millions of miles away somehow has some sort of influence on the “spermatozoa” inside a cow. Rummins gets annoyed and points out the scientific fact behind tides being affected by the pull of the moon. Dahl understands his point and agrees with him.
Rummins suddenly seems to have had enough and tells him not to worry as he will get a heifer for sure. Dahl asks if this technique works with humans as well to which the other man remarks as long as everything is in order, it works with humans too. It can’t be done at night as the sun is shielded behind the earth. He says that just like a cow, the female also needs to be on all fours facing the sun.
Dahl then asks if he has any proof that it works with humans too. Rummins tilts his head to the side, giving him a sly grin, and says that he himself got four sons as he has no use of a “ruddy girl” on a farm. He says he needs boys to work on the farm and he has produced four of them. The short story comes to an end with the narrator claiming that he is right, Rummin is “absolutely right”.
