How does Ender react to the truth of the battle that was kept from him?

His final instance of this self-reassurance is after his last battle against the buggers, when he is told that it was all real. "Ender grabbed Mazer's uniform and hung onto it, pulling him down so they were face to face. 'I didn't want to kill them all. I didn't want to kill anybody! I'm not a killer! You didn't want me, you bastards, you wanted Peter, but you made me do it, you tricked me into it!'" Ender keeps getting put into situations where he is forced to hurt others, the thing he hates worst in the world, and this latest situation is even worse, because he did not know it, and because he killed all of the buggers. When Ender breaks the rules, he sometimes feels alienated from himself.